The First Day at Lamai Fitness
It was my first day at Lamai Fitness, and I’m hiking. And as I climb up this mountain I wonder: what exactly did I get myself into? I’ve never seen such a steep upward incline, and two members of my group are talking easily as they make their way up. I, on the other hand, am heaving and on the verge of sobbing as a few tears sneak out of my eyes. I hate this.
And, it is only my first day at Lamai Fitness.
“Come on Kelly, you can do it” my trainer Caroline yells, and I want to kill her. “Take deep breaths, let your breath go all the way out” she instructs. Which in hindsight was good advice, because I was at the point of hyperventilating.
I think I romanticized this whole trip to Thailand and Lamai Fitness. I’m going to be working out everyday, doing yoga all of the time, getting daily massages, detoxing, swimming, going to the beach its going to be wonderful! I used all these words like reset, detox, holistic retreat, transformation, vacation, me time, etc.
When in reality, this shit it hard.
My first day was a rude wake-up call as my trainer pushed me and I didn’t want to be pushed. I was angry at her. But, I think in reality, I was angry at myself. It was just so hard. And I kept thinking I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this. This is crazy. Why am I even attempting this? I’m fine being fat. I really don’t care.
At the end of the first day I sat down and started reflecting on transformations. Transformations are not easy. Especially transformations that involve weight loss. It is one thing to sit at home and watch the biggest loser on TV-where even though you see the sweat and tears, but you’re not in the gym with them, you’re not getting yelled at, your heart is not pounding, your mind is not racing with self-doubt and self-loathing thoughts. You’re cheering for the participants, you want them to succeed, but you’re not part of the grueling work that is a part of that transformation.
Transformation is not pretty, its hard, its gross. It is my face turning beat red every time I go for a workout, snot dripping from my nose, and soaking in my own sweat, it is every muscle in my body burning and wanting to give up and pushing myself to do one more round, two more rounds, it is a constant battle with my brain telling me I’m so fat, I’m not good enough, I’m a loser, and that I can’t.
On my first day here Caroline told me that the struggle is all in your mind. When we think about doing something, our minds have already decided whether we can or cannot do that thing. How powerful the mind can be. I hope that after three weeks here that my body is not the only thing going through a transformation, but my mind as well.
Other first-day thoughts: I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m sore.